What I Know About Germans (Not Bavarians)

This article comes courtesy of Alex Hellman, who was a student of mine a couple months ago.  While I do not know who actually wrote the article, I can verify nearly all of the following.  The actual article can be found here:  http://a-biglife.com/what-i-know-about-germans/

CORRECTION:  I found out that this article was written by Liv, an Australian girl I taught with at the BWZ in January and February.   She wrote this article recently and has since had it published in a couple Swiss  newspapers.

What I Know About Germans (Not Bavarians)

Here are some things about Germany and its inhabitants I noticed during my time spent in Münster, Nord Rhine Westphalia.  When I have gathered strength, a new list shall be penned about things I have noticed during my time in Weiden, Bayern. These lists will differ extraordinarily. 

So …

1. Germans are tall.
2. They enjoy dairy products (I suspect this has something to do with their height). They will put a cheese sauce with most things.
3. The global perception of the German love and consumption of Sauerkraut is not exaggerated.
4. They have excellent winter wardrobes (I suspect this has something to do with the fact it’s what I would classify as Winter, ten months of the year).
5. They are punctual. It’s in their genetic make up.
6. Their babies are particularly beautiful.
7. They are very good bike riders – nay, they are exceptional bike riders. They manage to look elegant whilst freewheeling down cobbled streets, pashminas blowing out behind them. They are also highly adept at riding with umbrellas.
8. Germans can eat. And drink. A lot. Regularly.
9. They love meat. In all its incarnations.
10. They are good at mostly anything they do. Or, if they’re not, they try hard and become good at it. Because …
11. Germans are thorough. They work hard and effectively (despite working some of the shortest hours in the western world). This is why …
12. They are the strongest economy in Europe. What they do during those short hours is probably double what every other country manages to do in twice the time.
13. They speak English better than most English people I know.
14. They have unexpectedly wicked senses of humour. David Hasselhoff, anyone …
15. … a man they continue to embrace by playing Looking for Freedom far, far more than any other country.
16. They love a good boot.
17. And they never scuff them. Even when bike-riding in the rain.
18. They do not suffer fools gladly (thus only put up with drunk Australians and Americans during Oktoberfest because we’ll pay hideous amounts of money for hideous amounts of beer).
19. They are extremely hospitable.
20. They seem to enjoy Westlife.
21. Germans simply do not understand thongs/flip flops/jandals as viable footwear. Even when it’s warm and sunny. And a boot is impractical, or too warm for the feet to be comfortable. They will stare, bewildered, at thonged feet and quietly wonder if the wearer is mad.
22. They love a large, mind-bogglingly well stocked hardware store (with a bratwurst stand out the front). Perhaps because they quietly live by the mantra, if you want something done well, do it yourself … and we all know Germans do things well. Therefore they must be permanently well equipped to do things themselves.
23. Germans lose their shit when the sun comes out and act in a manner I can only describe as suspicious. They flock to outdoor cafes and tip their faces to the sun … but remain in boots and jeans with a pashmina close by. Even when it’s 25 degrees. Even when it’s obvious the weather isn’t going to turn. Because …
24. Germans are always prepared for the rain.
25. They are very fair people and largely adhere to regulations that exist to keep things fair.
26. They don’t appreciate the use of the rude finger when driving. If you give it to a fellow driver, that driver reserves the right to report you and your licence plate and you will get a fine. (This is why my driving career in Germany may never get off the ground).
27. German clubs routinely remind the world of the universality of 90s pop.
28. They love the breakfast meal.
29. They enjoy a darker bread. The whiter the less trustworthy.
30. In the same vein of their love for enormous hardware stores, Germans favour a mesmerisingly large Ikea (and other such stores in the same vein as Ikea) complete with an upstairs restaurant, a downstairs cafe and the all important hotdog/bratwurst stand. Because …
31. Germans can always enjoy a hotdog/bratwurst, no matter the time, no matter the place. And they never seem to drip the sauce all over themselves.
32. Germans don’t tend to jay-walk. And they judge those who do.
33. They are refreshingly comfortable with nudity.
34. Germans are generally candid people.
35. German men don’t tend to leer. On the two occasions I have been winked/beeped at, I suspect the leerers weren’t, in actual fact, German.
36. It is far too easy to buy biscuits and cake in German supermarkets because, collectively, German people have a very sweet tooth.
37. Germans love a good rule. And they reap the benefits of a rule-abiding society.
38. Germans can drink. And not just write themselves off, vomit in the bath tub at 2am, wedge in a kebab and back it up the following night, a la American/English/Australian binge drinkers … I mean drink. While the rest of the world is vomiting in the bath tub, the Germans are calmly ingesting their 57th shot and washing it down with a beer, their cheeks a little rosy, their eyes a little glazed, but their livers working as smoothly as a German made automobile.
39. This is because Germans start drinking young. They are allowed to drink ‘soft alcohol’ at 16 (so clearly start drinking it much earlier) and ‘hard alcohol’ at 18. By the time we’re all losing our shit with the Breezers, the Germans are enjoying a much more tempered relationship with alcohol … and the benefits of a much more match-fit liver.
40. They don’t necessarily say it to you face, at the time … but Germans don’t like it when you go against the tide in the supermarket.
41. Or get on the bus through the wrong door. This they will say to your face, using a microphone and an unimpressed tone.
42. If there was a study done on countries and how well they dance in a club/bar situation, Germany probably wouldn’t be in the top ten for general skill. But would they would absolutely ace the enthusiasm component.
43. Germans struggle enormously with the concept of ‘naked feet’ – as an Australian, my feet are always naked and therefore oft-commented upon.
44. Germans, Muensteranians in particular, are always exceptionally well groomed.
45. They embrace one hit wonders. Royalties from German radio probably single-handedly keep the singers the rest of the world wants to forget, in rent-money.
46. Germans are not afraid to whip out the smoke machine on the dance floor.
47. They are not ones to make small talk at the supermarket check-out. Or in general, really. Sure, they’ll talk if you talk to them, but they’re not great Small Talk Instigators. I have discussed this with a German who I was, ironically, making small talk with in a department store. He suspects it is because the German language is not particularly made for meandering small talk. I wonder if he might be onto something. His own brand of small talk was honed on frequent trips to America.
48. Germans enjoy frozen vegetables.
49. In keeping with Article 34, Germans are very open and relaxed about most things sex related. It is so refreshing to have it dealt with, minus the bullshit.
50. Germans have turned creating quark, yoghurt and cream cheese based snacks into an artform.
51. They have the single most nerve-inducingly rapid supermarket check-outs in the world.
52. Germans seem to really enjoy How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men and crime fiction.
53. They love their dogs. Often their dogs catch the bus with them and sometimes their dogs even dine with them in restaurants.
54. Germans. Love. Bakeries.
55. They don’t tend to go to the shops in trackpants and slippers. I do. I think they suspect I am a homeless person with a penchant for Quark.
56. Germans do not see a need for conversational subtext. It is a waste of time and Germans do not like wasting time. If you cannot say it as directly as possible, do not say it at all.
57. It saddens me to report there seems to be a higher instance of socks and sandals paired together in Germany, than in other countries.
58. Germans are distrustful of any beverage that doesn’t sparkle.
59. They are similarly distrustful of any bread in a sliced-form. This is relegated to the toaster (‘toast brot’) and sandwiches made with sliced bread enjoy a disproportionately small section of the bakery display.
60. They can stomach raw meat for breakfast … topped with onion. This alone results in an even deeper respect for the German constitution, on my behalf.
61. Germany was responsible for the 90s smash, Coco Jumbo.
62. Germans love Dachshunds and seem to own several of them at once. Interestingly enough, they are not called Dachshunds in Germany, despite it being a German name, and are instead called ‘Dackels’. I suspect this adoration of Dachshunds stems from their physical similarity to wurst (when I say suspect, I mean ‘I am certain’) because, and I cannot bullet point this enough …
63. Germans worship wurst.
64. Germans extract a curiously large amount of pleasure from the acts of giving, receiving and processing paperwork. They revel in it. Roll in it. Cover themselves with it and inhale the scent of paper.
65. Those who work for the German government seem to … never work at all. It’s like their entire system is efficient enough to work by itself, without humans doing anything except photocopying and stamping things.
66. German banks don’t often feel the need to be open. And if they are open, it’s never at a time that’s convenient for anybody else. They don’t seem to have gotten the hang of shift work that would enable the bank to remain open for lunch.
67. Germany loves a public holiday. Bavaria in particular.
68. Similar to how they worship wurst, Germans worship the pig. There is no part of the pig that cannot be boiled, shredded, fried, processed, mashed, diced and consumed.
69. Germans have this … thing … with bureaucracy.
70. Should a contestant, for example, on a family friendly ‘celebrity special game show’ or something, be a nude model, German TV is totally down with displaying a great deal of her portfolio, to the audience at home. Pre 9pm. In fact, pre 8pm. See article 34 and 50.
71. Germans worship (as well as wurst and bread) at the altar of the three Ps – Practicality, Punctuality (see point 5) & Planning.
72. They are rather thrifty and don’t have the weird Anglo qualms with talking about money.
73. Germans seem to enjoy camping.
74. They are bizarrely superstitious about wishing people a Merry Christmas too early, opening presents early and celebrating birthdays early.
75. Germans have bottomless basements.
76. They like buying drinks in packs of 6 1.5l bottles which are then dutifully recycled, bottle by bottle.
77. Boris Becker and Til Schweiger are the go-to celebrities for game shows.
78. Germans are bizarrely wary of drinking tap water.